Green and Gay - Not in that order...

Marvel Comics have always pushed boundaries - from Stan Lee's controversial drug issue of Spider-Man in the 70's to literally anything Garth Ennis touches, their comics take the major social issues of the day and bring them direct to our minds utilising the slightly unorthodox method of delivery via men fighting in spandex.

So with that in mind, why has it taken so long for a Marvel title to feature a same sex wedding? I'm talking, of course, about the marriage between Northstar and his partner Kyle Jinadu (Astonishing X-Men issue 51, true believer!)

Northstar has been 'out' since way back in 1992 - it's fairly safe to say DC (or at least their Wildstorm imprint) beat them well and truly to the punch here when Authority team members Apollo and Midnighter got hitched way back in 2002...

DC aren't very well known for sticking their collective necks out when it comes to the issues although the 'will they, won't they?' storyline between Batman and Robin was pretty racey back in the day I guess... Although DC did have Vertigo which was an awesome collection of mature titles whilst Marvel fannyed about with the MAX line which seemed exist solely as a reason for Nick Fury to say 'cunt'...

Oh and for a shit computer generated War Machine title too. It was a shiny shiny sack of balls.

Anyways, the wedding storyline - awesome in parts. Oddly rushed in favour of mutants fucking each other up (for a change) but a nice do all the same. It's always nice to see superheroes doing normal stuff like attend weddings. There's a bunch of variants out too including a blank photo one for those lucky enough to encounter a Marvel artist wandering the streets and hawking his talent for change. If you don't get it doodled on though, it looks pretty shit.

I bought it, it was another cultural landmark from the house of ideas... Unlike Hulk which is pretty well paced, nicely drawn and a great read but for the love of all things sacred will Hulk PLEASE STOP SHAGGING?

So yeah, that's about all I have to say about that.

Exsel... Excel.. Exell... Sod it, it doesn't make sense anyway.

I Want To Have Mike Allred's Children - But I Haven't Got A Womb.

Ah the simple pleasures in life like ice-cream, fellatio and a Marvel reboot! And who doesn't like those things?

This Marvel Now! thing is looking pretty darn sweet - and not *cough* in any way designed to *cough cough* claw back some readers who went off to the shiny land that is the new DC 52... AT ALL.

Still there's some sick looking stuff on the horizon for next month including more Avengers titles (to go with the seventy three other Avengers titles we've seen over the last few years) and a brand new, awesome Thunderbolts line-up that made me do a little love wee.

Observe:

Holy shit look at the colour co-ordination there! Red Hulk, Electra, Deadpool, Punisher and a sweet looking Venom all in black and red. Good fucking times.

But what I'm happiest about is Marvel rediscovering Mike Allred - creator of some of the weirdest and most wonderful comics I've ever had the pleasure of reading. Titles like Madman, The Atomics and Marvels own X-Statix to name but a few. Oh how I love Mike Allred - let me count the ways...

1. The art is so clean and bright and fun it makes me think of a simpler time when I wasn't even born! 2. His writing is funny and has the oddest mix of innocence and out and out weirdness I've ever read before. With dialogue coming straight out of the 60's but never with that cloying faux hipness that Stan Lee used to write into Spider-Man back in the day. 3. OK, so I only have 2 ways but those are 2 pretty good ways.

So they let Mike Allred do an issue of Daredevil recently (issue 17 true believer) which boasted a truly beautiful cover. Have a butchers at this:

And there's more to come as he's also doing not one but a series of covers for FF. Covers like this one:

I don't care that this reboot seems on the whole to be a colossal waste of time - it's got Mike fucking Allred doing covers so until the Mad Thinker... erm... stops having mad thoughts, make mine Marvel (Now).

Comic Book Origins More Tragic Than Batman's - My Response

I was just shown a site called Dorkly.com that had an article entitled '8 Comic Book Origins More Tragic Than Batman's' - And it wasn't a bad list.

However, I think there's more tragic origins out there. And I'm going to prove it right now because proving stuff like this is obviously cool and almost guaranteed to get me laid lots, right? Well, probably not but I'm going to prove it anyway.

Matt Murdock/Daredevil.

Matt Murdock had a pretty shit time of it. He was raised by his father, a washed-up boxer, for the early part of his life. Then an industrial accident caused him to go blind. Not easy for a kid to cope with at the best of times but, as Murdock was soon to find out, this was nothing like the best of times.

His father, 'Battlin'' Jack Murdock, was murdered by some hoods at the request of their boss 'The Fixer' for refusing to throw a fight leaving young Matt blind, alone and pissed off.

What's more, nobody told him that his first costume (the black and yellow one) sucked.


Daredevil started life as a hero after bereavement and a disability. That's pretty tragic, no?

Jonothon Starsmore/Chamber

Jono's origin was pretty grisly to say the least. Hanging out at a nightclub with his girlfriend when his mutant gene decided to kick in the resulting explosion of psionic energy (no, me neither) crippled his missus and ripped a hole in him from his naval to his jaw. He doesn't have the sort of power you can really hide from people as he's missing half his face and it's no wonder it made him depressed. He can't even have a snog, poor sod.


Arseface.

The cult comic series Preacher was chock-full of tragic characters, perhaps none more so than Arseface. Son of the local sheriff and a big Nirvana fan in a redneck town, he was horrifically bullied along with his best friend Pube.

After hearing about the suicide of his hero, Kurt Cobain, the pair decide to follow suit and shoot themselves in the head to end their miserable existences. Whilst Pube is successful and kills himself as intended, Arseface is not and leaves himself horribly disfigured for the rest of his life. And yes, his face looks like a rectum - and that's never easy.


Wade Wilson/Deadpool.

The Merc with a mouth is renowned for being one of comics funniest characters but his back story is not so full of laughs. After losing his mother to cancer and getting the snot beaten out of him by his abusive father, Wade Wilson turned to the slightly unusual career of being a mercenary. Then he contracted cancer himself and became part of Department K - an off-shoot of Weapon X.

Deadpool is a scarred, mostly insane character that has had far more than his fair share of tragedy... 2 lots of cancer and an abusive parent has surely got to qualify as a bleaker start than Batman's.



There's a start anyway. I'll think of more later.

Sidekicks!

So, you're about to go out and fight some crime. Your costume is cleaned, your car is purring like a kitten that's recently been gratified sexually and there's a villain on the loose. But wait! What have you forgotten in your one man/woman crusade against evil doers everywhere?

That's right, you need a sidekick.

A sidekick is a person who shares your ideals and your desire to go out and kick the snot out of people that dare break the law. A sidekick is also quite handy in that they are generally either an idiot you can use as a human shield or, in some cases, far harder than you are and much more likely to get the job done. Either way, a sidekick is a win. Don't leave home without one.

Choosing a sidekick is a lot like choosing a pet or a sexual partner. For some people these two things are the same thing anyway and so it becomes far less confusing but for now let's assume you're not at it with the family dog and move on.

Let me help you get through the minefield that is, choosing a sidekick!

So, there are many types of sidekick available. What kind would suit you best? Firstly, think about your powers. Do you want to lumber yourself with a sidekick with no powers or those that are a lot like yours but sort of crap? Probably not if we're fair. And remember to consider your environment too - there's nothing worse than taking your sidekick out for his fight against ne'er-do-wells only to find you've hired Aqualad, and he's flapping about on the floor of an abandoned warehouse gasping because he has gills and there's no water about. Likewise, most sidekicks tend to drown if you're the sole crime-fighter of Atlantis so, think ahead.


A pretty good bet is someone like Kato, the sidekick to The Green Hornet. You probably don't know who he is right now but there's a film out either now or soon so go and find out and then come back. I'll wait.

In the 1960's television series of 'The Green Hornet' Kato was played by none other than kung-fu legend Bruce Lee. This would put Kato in the 'harder than you are' category - a clear win. Because he is. I don't care if you have just drunk twelve pints - you still couldn't have Bruce Lee in a fight so shut up.

Don't get confused by the similarity of the names and hire yourself Cato Fong of The Pink Panther fame. He was forever testing his boss by pouncing on him. That had to be annoying. And the last thing the actor that made him famous (Bert Kwouk) was in was Last of the Summer Wine so probably best to avoid him entirely.

For those of you that like your sidekicks to be a little sexually ambiguous there was Robin. From his unisex name to his high-legged shorts, Robin oozes an uneasy sort of sex appeal. If you like young boys in capes - he's an obvious choice. I'd particularly recommend the 60's TV show version for his never ending string of catchphrases all starting with the word 'Holy'.


Here's a small example of the Holy drivel that Robin came out with:

'Holy diversionary tactics'
'Holy fork in the road'
'Holy interplanetary yard stick'
'Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods'
'Holy uncanny photographic mental processes'

And so on. He really did talk shit.

If you're looking for an earthier sidekick perhaps you might want to consider Sancho Panza. He'll follow you around obediently regardless of how ridiculous your plan is. He'll even stand by you should you start attacking innocuous farm buildings on horseback. This is a good sign - you don't want a sidekick that questions your authority. You are the hero! You bought the tights!

Or... maybe you're not that sort of hero. Perhaps you are more cerebral in your approach to crime fighting and you find the very notion of wearing tights to be beneath you, opting instead for something altogether classier like a deerstalker and a good pipe. If this is the case then you need a man like Dr. Watson to aid you in your duties protecting the public from criminal masterminds.

Dr. Watson was, well he was... Erm... He was boring wasn't he? I mean, let's be fair, what exactly does he do? He tries to solve some stuff and fails. He wanders about the place asking pointless questions and spends so long wedged firmly in the arse of Sherlock Holmes that it's a wonder he didn't suffer from a Vitamin D deficiency due to the lack of daylight.

If you don't mind having to unclog the sink daily and the risk of finding what looks suspiciously like a pube every time you're eating then perhaps Chewbacca is the sidekick for you. He does go very well with a nice leather waistcoat. The language barrier may be an issue at first but I'm fairly certain he's only going to be making noises about the impending attack from an Imperial fleet or the way it's almost impossible for him to take a shit without the fear of it getting caught in his fur so it's OK to ignore him.


Considering Chewbacca is ostensibly a pet, I can't help but feel that letting him drive your car/spaceship is a little on the odd side but he seems quite good at it. Don't go and get a particularly shaggy dog, give him a bullet belt and expect the same level of skill though - nothing will ruin your credibility with the criminal underworld quicker than footage of you screaming as your bearded collie drives your Renault Clio into some poor buggers front garden.

I think, in the world of sidekicks, the most important thing to think about is the relationship you have with them. Let's face it, you're going to be stuck with them for a long time. Getting rid of a sidekick is harder than shifting a dose of the clap. Captain America was probably fairly relieved to have gotten rid of Bucky. Who wouldn't be? He was pretty useless and dressed like an extra from a very camp western. I can only imagine the annoyance Cap felt when, decades later, he was once again lumbered with a teenage pillock by his side.



Yes, choosing a sidekick is a tricky business. Some may say 'Why is it worth the hassle, surely I can fight crime alone?' and they'd be right. But, perhaps it is worth remembering that whilst you are out there, on the mean streets of Gotham, Metropolis or Walton on the Naze, it's good to know that someone has got your back. After all, you're just one man (or woman) dressed like an idiot and battling against villains, at night, with delusions of actually making the world safer for all the non-crazy people to live in.

Plus, chances are you'll need someone to take peoples attention away from the fact you have your pants on over your trousers. Take care, true believers.

From Eagle to Dredd

I started reading comics when I was young enough to be excited about them all regardless of quality. I started with Eagle - nicely drawn Brit comic featuring a man in space fighting a skinny green alien with a huge head. The thing was scrawny, it looks like a cross between Gandhi and a watermelon.


I think I liked it more because the hero was called Dan Dare and my name is Dan. That's the weird sort of association that kids make - for example, a kid at my school was called Iron Man and he loved Iron Man so... I fucking wish that was true.

The alien in question was called the Mekon. It floated about on a what looked like a tiny sailboat - it's hardly the stuff of nightmares. Dan Dare was a pretty strong looking guy, I have no idea why he didn't just snap that things neck like a twig and move on. I guess because it was the 80's and things like that didn't happen back then.

When I discovered American comics I quickly learnt that there are really only two kinds of people in the world: Those that like Marvel and those that like DC. In the old days it was a battle between the actual stories and characters - in the 90's it boiled down to preferring the company that shelled out on decent paper whilst the other one printed their brightly coloured tales of heroism on something that councils supply in public toilets to wipe your arse on.

I stuck by Marvel through a lot - you'll see some of the absolute shit I had to endure in future posts.

Anyway, back when I was a kid I read Eagle. Later on I moved on to 2000AD and it was there I first started to get choosy about what I read and what I didn't. I was always a fan of Judge Dredd for example, looking back I've no idea why as he's really just a fascist in a silly helmet. The guy lacks emotion and character and upholds the law with the same frightening level of dedication that my toaster displays for burning any bread it's introduced to. And it's as fun to read as my toaster is... Which is not very.


Retrospectively the Judge Dredd strips weren't really about Judge Dredd at all - they were about a dystopian future where society needed a mindless drone to keep them in order or they'd fuck, kill or eat each other. And as if that alone wasn't enough, the quality of writers and artists that have worked on Dredd is really quite astounding - he was created by the now legendary team of Wagner, Mills and Ezquerra... Other talent to have a crack at him includes Garth Ennis, Steve Dillon, Grant Morrison and Mark Millar. Not bad at all eh?

Dredd had a movie outing back in 1995 where some genius decided that he should be played by Sly Stallone. And to add insult to injury, it was written into the script that he remove his helmet - something he'd never done in the strip. The film sucked like a cock starved hooker and is now considered something of a 'cult classic' an affectionate term meaning dire toss.

2000 AD had a host of weird and wonderful characters though and I stuck with it (on and off) for a decade. Some of my favourites included Strontium Dog - the saga of some mutants on the run from everyone, Rogue Trooper - the saga of a blue former soldier and his 3 dead commanders whose memories had been embedded into chips about his person on the run from everyone and Sinister Dexter - the story of two killers for hire that were on the run from... I think you get the idea.

The weirdest part of 2000 AD though was that it boasted the only alien editor in UK magazine history - a green guy called Tharg who sometimes looked vaguely terrifying and other times he looked suspiciously like Peter Stringfellow but green. He would welcome reader to each issue in a small column headed up with a cheery 'Borag Thungg, Earthlet'. Interesting idea and it added that personal touch that Stan Lee used to such great effect over the pond at Marvel.

I'll cover some of those better soon. Right now I'm off to read some classic Marvel ready for a new entry.

Until next time, Splundig Vur Thrigg!