Sidekicks!

So, you're about to go out and fight some crime. Your costume is cleaned, your car is purring like a kitten that's recently been gratified sexually and there's a villain on the loose. But wait! What have you forgotten in your one man/woman crusade against evil doers everywhere?

That's right, you need a sidekick.

A sidekick is a person who shares your ideals and your desire to go out and kick the snot out of people that dare break the law. A sidekick is also quite handy in that they are generally either an idiot you can use as a human shield or, in some cases, far harder than you are and much more likely to get the job done. Either way, a sidekick is a win. Don't leave home without one.

Choosing a sidekick is a lot like choosing a pet or a sexual partner. For some people these two things are the same thing anyway and so it becomes far less confusing but for now let's assume you're not at it with the family dog and move on.

Let me help you get through the minefield that is, choosing a sidekick!

So, there are many types of sidekick available. What kind would suit you best? Firstly, think about your powers. Do you want to lumber yourself with a sidekick with no powers or those that are a lot like yours but sort of crap? Probably not if we're fair. And remember to consider your environment too - there's nothing worse than taking your sidekick out for his fight against ne'er-do-wells only to find you've hired Aqualad, and he's flapping about on the floor of an abandoned warehouse gasping because he has gills and there's no water about. Likewise, most sidekicks tend to drown if you're the sole crime-fighter of Atlantis so, think ahead.


A pretty good bet is someone like Kato, the sidekick to The Green Hornet. You probably don't know who he is right now but there's a film out either now or soon so go and find out and then come back. I'll wait.

In the 1960's television series of 'The Green Hornet' Kato was played by none other than kung-fu legend Bruce Lee. This would put Kato in the 'harder than you are' category - a clear win. Because he is. I don't care if you have just drunk twelve pints - you still couldn't have Bruce Lee in a fight so shut up.

Don't get confused by the similarity of the names and hire yourself Cato Fong of The Pink Panther fame. He was forever testing his boss by pouncing on him. That had to be annoying. And the last thing the actor that made him famous (Bert Kwouk) was in was Last of the Summer Wine so probably best to avoid him entirely.

For those of you that like your sidekicks to be a little sexually ambiguous there was Robin. From his unisex name to his high-legged shorts, Robin oozes an uneasy sort of sex appeal. If you like young boys in capes - he's an obvious choice. I'd particularly recommend the 60's TV show version for his never ending string of catchphrases all starting with the word 'Holy'.


Here's a small example of the Holy drivel that Robin came out with:

'Holy diversionary tactics'
'Holy fork in the road'
'Holy interplanetary yard stick'
'Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods'
'Holy uncanny photographic mental processes'

And so on. He really did talk shit.

If you're looking for an earthier sidekick perhaps you might want to consider Sancho Panza. He'll follow you around obediently regardless of how ridiculous your plan is. He'll even stand by you should you start attacking innocuous farm buildings on horseback. This is a good sign - you don't want a sidekick that questions your authority. You are the hero! You bought the tights!

Or... maybe you're not that sort of hero. Perhaps you are more cerebral in your approach to crime fighting and you find the very notion of wearing tights to be beneath you, opting instead for something altogether classier like a deerstalker and a good pipe. If this is the case then you need a man like Dr. Watson to aid you in your duties protecting the public from criminal masterminds.

Dr. Watson was, well he was... Erm... He was boring wasn't he? I mean, let's be fair, what exactly does he do? He tries to solve some stuff and fails. He wanders about the place asking pointless questions and spends so long wedged firmly in the arse of Sherlock Holmes that it's a wonder he didn't suffer from a Vitamin D deficiency due to the lack of daylight.

If you don't mind having to unclog the sink daily and the risk of finding what looks suspiciously like a pube every time you're eating then perhaps Chewbacca is the sidekick for you. He does go very well with a nice leather waistcoat. The language barrier may be an issue at first but I'm fairly certain he's only going to be making noises about the impending attack from an Imperial fleet or the way it's almost impossible for him to take a shit without the fear of it getting caught in his fur so it's OK to ignore him.


Considering Chewbacca is ostensibly a pet, I can't help but feel that letting him drive your car/spaceship is a little on the odd side but he seems quite good at it. Don't go and get a particularly shaggy dog, give him a bullet belt and expect the same level of skill though - nothing will ruin your credibility with the criminal underworld quicker than footage of you screaming as your bearded collie drives your Renault Clio into some poor buggers front garden.

I think, in the world of sidekicks, the most important thing to think about is the relationship you have with them. Let's face it, you're going to be stuck with them for a long time. Getting rid of a sidekick is harder than shifting a dose of the clap. Captain America was probably fairly relieved to have gotten rid of Bucky. Who wouldn't be? He was pretty useless and dressed like an extra from a very camp western. I can only imagine the annoyance Cap felt when, decades later, he was once again lumbered with a teenage pillock by his side.



Yes, choosing a sidekick is a tricky business. Some may say 'Why is it worth the hassle, surely I can fight crime alone?' and they'd be right. But, perhaps it is worth remembering that whilst you are out there, on the mean streets of Gotham, Metropolis or Walton on the Naze, it's good to know that someone has got your back. After all, you're just one man (or woman) dressed like an idiot and battling against villains, at night, with delusions of actually making the world safer for all the non-crazy people to live in.

Plus, chances are you'll need someone to take peoples attention away from the fact you have your pants on over your trousers. Take care, true believers.